


he always felt it.

by skvsolo



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Dealing With Loss, M/M, all mistakes are my dumbass' fault, im so fucking sad hahaha, mentions of hanleia, some mild non-graphic smut for a half second, unbetad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 23:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5685715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skvsolo/pseuds/skvsolo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in the back of his mind, he was always there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	he always felt it.

luke felt it.  
across systems, light years away, he felt it.  
he felt him slip away, and all he could do was fall to his knees, scream to the stars.  
maybe it was better for a jedi not to love, after all.  
\--  
luke always felt it.  
he felt the bloody knuckles and the broken rib after a bar fight.  
he felt the smack of a hand against his cheek.  
he felt the searing power of a blaster on his left arm.  
he even felt the times when he would moan into the darkness of his room in the falcon.  
luke remembers the first time he felt han- a little splattering of colour and feeling across his mind. on hoth, when he'd come to rescue him. he knew he was coming. that hope is what kept him going against the cold creeping into his chest.  
he reached out to him, too, when the power of the dark side flew from palpatine's fingers to his body. writhing in the floor, screaming for mercy, he tried to find his hope.  
he tried to find han- just a whisper of his mind through the force.  
when he found him again, beautiful green of endor around them, he ran toward him, grabbed him by the jaw and kissed him until his knees gave out, and he sobbed into his shoulder until there was nothing left of himself to give.  
han held him that night, gave him a home in his arms. his skin burned from the contact. he'd never felt more at ease.  
there were nights, of course, where luke would wake screaming, arching into nothing with phantom memories. the first time it happened, luke used the force in his terror at the hand against his shoulder and propelled him against the wall of the falcon. he'd cried when he came down, even as han assured him he was alright. he felt the pain in han's body. it was endearing, though, that he would put on a brave face for him.  
han didn't touch him in those moments, after that. he'd calm him with words, hold him while he cried in the aftermath.  
luke felt weak, there in his arms.  
han would make sure he knew he was strong, to brave that alone. he made sure he knew that he wasn't alone any more.  
they separated, after time. when luke had to start his training- he couldn't let the jedi die with him. and he couldn't teach those children they couldn't love, when he spent his nights wrapped up in the man that meant galaxies and more to him.  
han had held his hand, the night before he left, told him he loved him a thousand times while he made him see stars in a different manner.  
he didn't let han see his tears that night.  
when he learned that he and leia had gotten together, he was happy for the both of them.  
all he wanted was han's happiness. leia's, too. he was... glad, that they'd found it in each other- even if the thought of them together made a part of him tear in half.  
luke was there, to hold her hand, to ease her pain, to hold his nephew when he was born. ben. little ben, bright and strong, and so full of his mother's will- the force, too.  
when it was time, luke trained him. did the best he could.  
his broken training wasn't enough, as it seemed, when han and leia split and ben blamed himself. blamed luke. lost much of the brightness in his eye, the light in his heart.  
luke had failed him.  
he'd failed leia, han, ben. he'd failed them all. he could feel it in their hearts, even when they assured him they knew it wasn't.  
ben ran, when he was seventeen. took his saber, sheared the braid from his hair, left it in his room with the light left in him.  
luke could swear leia still has it, her shred of hope.  
he'd met with han before he left again. apologised until his voice cracked.  
no tears.  
not this time.  
han didn't blame him. he brushed long hair out of his face, kissed his forehead. apologised, even.  
luke wasn't sure for what.  
he'd left the last piece of him with han, that night before he left again.  
\--  
maybe it was better not to love.  
maybe it was better to brave this life alone.  
those years of his life, in han's arms, laughing with him, bandaging him up after a fight. being... happy.  
he wasn't sure, then.  
the searing pain he felt in his chest, the hot wetness on his cheeks, the gaping hole in his mind where han's consciousness had once resided.  
maybe this was worth it, for those happiest years in his life.  
maybe love was worth this pain.


End file.
